


Cruel

by RatMonarch



Category: Durarara!!
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, F/M, Grief/Mourning, Heavy Angst, M/M, One-Sided Attraction, One-Sided Relationship, Past Relationship(s), Self-Hatred, Short, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Unhealthy Relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-11
Updated: 2019-06-11
Packaged: 2020-04-24 18:13:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 852
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19178719
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RatMonarch/pseuds/RatMonarch
Summary: "You are the last person who can judge anyone for being cruel, Shinra."





	Cruel

**Author's Note:**

> AU - takes place in a universe where, once Celty gets her head, she actually leaves and never remembers Shinra.

“It’s funny really...” Shinra began, with a humorless smile that contradicted his words. He glanced up at the night sky, his eyes distant as he continued, “I _knew_ that giving back her head ran the risk of her forgetting me and leaving. That’s why I helped hide it in the first place. The thought of the only person I ever grew to care about leaving was too much to bear.”

He paused and swallowed, not trusting himself to keep speaking as a wave of emotion crashed over him. It was almost fitting in a way, to feel this absolutely wretched. Whenever he was with Celty, the only thing he could feel was positive emotions. Happiness, joy, excitement, humor, lust. But now that she was gone, all he could feel was every empty feeling stored in his body. He had been stuck in this emotional hellhole for two months now, and he was beginning to wonder if he would ever truly be able to climb his way out of it.

Thankfully, his companion sitting next to him on the rooftop was remaining silent for once, not even giving a snarky side comment like he usually did. To be fair though, Shinra didn’t even know if the other man was even paying attention. He didn’t really care either. 

Once he was sure he’d gathered his bearings, he continued, “Despite every rational thought in my head telling me that would happen, I knew how much she wanted her head back. I knew how betrayed she felt when she found out I hid her head in the first place. I… I didn’t want to do that again to her. I wanted to be a good person for once in my fucking life, if only for her.”

He stopped again. Still no comments from his companion. He was beginning to think he preferred it like that. Letting out a bitter laugh, he continued, “You know what my hopeful dumbass thought when I gave her the head? That because I was actually being nice for once, that things would work out. That the universe would give me a bone, if you will.” Another bitter laugh. “Can you believe I got so starry-eyed?”

Then, eyes darting to the floor of the rooftop, he shook his head, sighing, “As you can see, my optimism was ill-placed.” 

All of a sudden, he heard a chuckle. A cold one that held absolutely no pity or sympathy in it. Shinra turned his head to look at Izaya, who was smirking now. Despite the expression, he could see annoyance and anger looming like clouds in Izaya’s red eyes. Ah, so he had been paying attention. Shinra knew Izaya hated it when he talked about Celty. 

Once again, he didn’t care. If anything, he was just surprised Izaya could feel an emotion as human and fallible as jealousy. It made him strangely less interesting. It removed some of the air of otherworldliness and mystery he somehow managed to carry with him. It made him seem… human. 

Voice collected as ever, Izaya said, “That’s what you get, Shinra. You should know better than to play nice by now.” He said the last part so proudly. It was the voice of a man who felt his cynical view of life had been proven correct. 

Shinra’s lips twitched at that, but he just turned his humorless smile on Izaya now, saying, “You’re so cruel, Izaya-kun.”

Izaya just immediately quipped back, “You are the last person who should be judging anyone for cruelty, Shinra.” 

He was right. Shinra _was_ cruel. He always had been. Yet Celty had managed to find something to love in him. Managed to worm out the nice parts of him. Somehow she managed to even make him want to be a better person.

But that was as starry-eyed as hoping the universe would play fair. Perhaps he could never be fixed. Maybe he would just be cruel and awful forever. After all, he knew if he could go back with the knowledge he had now, he never would’ve given her back her head, ever. 

Maybe that fact right there was proof that he never deserved Celty in the first place. Maybe he only deserved to be like he was now. With someone just as cruel and mean as him.

He felt Izaya’s cold, pale hand touch his cheek, the cool metal ring on his finger felt like a chilly bite to Shinra’s skin. He felt Izaya lean in and breathe, “Now, no more talk of your headless ex, I didn’t come up here with you to be your therapist.” before pressing his soft lips against Shinra’s. 

He knew Izaya wanted him to kiss back. He could tell by the way Izaya’s fingers subtly tugged at his lab coat, trying to urge him to respond, but he didn’t give him the satisfaction. He just stood still and allowed himself to be kissed, just to make the other man suffer. 

It wasn’t like Izaya was going to pull away. 

It wasn’t love, what they had. Not really. 

But maybe it was what the two of them deserved.

**Author's Note:**

> Wow, this was sad. I tried a new writing style for this one. Idk how I feel about it, but I hope y'all managed to enjoy. Poor Izaya. 
> 
> As always, critique is appreciated. 
> 
> Have an amazing day!


End file.
